Weird feeling? 5.13.14 10:12 p.m

Well everything is going... just.. "fine" Right now..
Not the BEST day ever.. actually it was a VERY long one. 
Anyways.. I am failing Math. Completely and utterly failing Mathematics... I feel like such a failure... STRAIGHT "B's" and just one 'F' ... Fuck my student life. 
While that's going on, on the academic side, the emotional side is completely taking over me. 

I feel so fucking stupid right now..
Like... I don't know what I'm feeling for him anymore. Is it love? Is it hate? ... I think I hate him because I really cannot get over him or the idea of us dating someday... How is this even fair?!?
HE'S WITH A MEAN BITCH (mean towards me) THAT DIDN'T EVEN LIKE HIM BEFORE THEY STARTED DATING!! SHE DID NOT LIKE HIM! SHE TOLD ME ONE DAY! AND BAM!!!!!! JAVIER ASKED HER OUT AND SHE FUCKING SAID YES, EVEN WHEN SHE KNEW ABOUT JAVIER HAVING A HUGE CRUSH ON ME. SHE IS SO MEAN TO HIM AND TO ME SOMETIMES... I WONDER WHY HE'S WITH HER?!?! :( IT MAKES ME SO MAD JUST TO THINK ABOUT HER AND HER HYPOCRISY UGH!!!!
I guess she was prettier than me..  
Ugh... this is hell. I love him 

SO     FUCKING   MUCH  

What honestly suuucks about this whole thing, is that, I know him more than anyone... I know him, I know his family, I've seen him cry, I'VE BEEN THERE WHILE HE'S CRYING... CRYING OVER HIS GIRLFRIEND.. TRYING TO FUCKING COMFORT HIM. :( Just put yourself in my shoes for a moment... Friendzoned.
It's so stressing. 
This is proof that things like this, don't only happen in Taylor Swift songs, or movies OR books. This shit is, sadly, real. And it hurts so much... and it's...

SO FUCKING STRESSING... IT MAKES ME CRY EVERY TIME AND I AM  JUST TIRED OF LIVING THIS WHOLE SITUATION WHEN I JUST WANT TO FUCKING KISS HIM ALREADY! AND MELT IN HIS FUCKING ARMS LIKE I DID A COUPLE OF DAYS AGO. I WANT TO GET LOST IN HIS EYES AND JUST.... 
UUUUUUUUGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A letter to him 5.12.14. 10:24 pm

Javier,


I've been thinking a lot about you darling. I've been lost in an infinite thought of the moment we met again. The hug you gave me... The longest and most heart-warming hug someone had ever given me. 
I still think about when you visited my house. The random hugs we gave each-other... we really needed each-other... Those hugs meant the world to me... I wanted to melt in your arms and stay there forever. The way you kissed my cheek reminded me of when were little kids... Still innocent. 
It's hard to forget someone as vital as you are in my life. 
It's AMAZING how I've been in love with you for such a long time, even after the horrible heartbreaks and tears... I've always loved you. 
Always. 
I still can't figure out why????
Are we ever going to be together someday? 
Will you ever give me the love I crave from you? ... I think about all of these questions every single night. 
Love is so hard.. Love for you is intense.. It's like falling HARD and FAST ... 
To me, you're perfect. 
You've got the perfect smile that fills my heart with joy in less than a second... 
Your hugs... make me weak 
Your words... a melody
The way you make me feel is the most special feeling ever... i feel weightless... I feel like my heart is filled with cotton... I feel like my stomach has been filled to the top with butterflies.

"Buscaré alguna forma de encontrarte,
Dormiré y te soñaré"

Te amo Javier, 
Te amo demasiado.

∞

Javier 5.11.14

My life has been twisting and turning during these past weeks. Good changes are coming my way, and I swear, I couldn't be happier. 

Maybe life is supposed to be like this.. Maybe life is supposed to be filled with sudden twists and turns when we less expect them. 

During these weeks, my life has improved and worn down a bit... But honestly, I couldn't be happier for the changes that are happening. 

I found true happiness with people who really love me... a warm and cuddly group of friends that truly understand me and love me (i hope they do) but they just make me so happy... They've managed to fill my heart with joy :) 

I lost a best friend, but it was mutual, and I was actually expecting and waiting for the moment. The relationship was growing toxic every day, I just had to stop it and turn it cold. And it worked. 

Now...

As for my love life... 

I've found my true love. I've found the guy who makes me as happy as I've ever been. Javier. 

I've known Javier ever since I was 6 years-old. We've been best friends ever since... of course, with MANY MANY fights and arguments and splits on that little bumpy road... 

I love him more than words can describe. I've loved him ever since I was 6... I've been in love with him since I was 6 

About 3 weeks ago, I bumped into him at a restaurant, he hugged me so so very tight... We hadn't spoken in months, due to a fight I had with him over his girlfriend. He hugged me so tight... I just melted in his arms... I think my eyes got teary.... He kissed my cheek twice and after he did he hugged me again... He seemed so happy to see me.

When I got home that day... I had a message from him... begging me to talk to him... I did, but I told him that I didn't want to talk to him due to his girlfriend... that's where I burst and I told him that I ABSOLUTELY, TRULY love him with all of my heart.. That I thought I was going to end up with him... but because of our parents and their friendship, they really don't want us dating. He said he loves me... but sadly, he can't really get out of the relationship he's in. 

Then he came to visit.... holy mother of God... he came to my house and we sat outside... next to each-other... We hugged about 10 times... for a long time... he cuddled on my shoulder, ... he kept kissing my cheek... *sigh* his hugs are the best hugs. I wanted to like.. KISS HIM, so badly!! But I had to control myself. He has a girlfriend after all.

We've been "in love" with each-other for about 8 years... 8 years, in love with the same fucking person.. and yet.. We haven't dated. 

He was my first kiss... when I was 8 years old. 

He was my first crush

my first best guy friend

my first boyfriend. 

But with this, I've realized... sometimes you need to give up the things you like to get the things you love, and you have to do it quick and on time... because time waits for nobody, and time is a bitch. Time can only tell what will happen between me and him... I don't know if he's going to break up with his girlfriend... I don't know what will happen. All I know is that I would be the happiest person if i was with him, and we would be happy with each-other.. 

He's the kind of guy that has a perfect smile (perfect to me) he always smells good, he gives the very best hugs; the kind of hugs that just make you melt into that person's arms, the hugs you just sink with happiness and joy; He's been here for me ALWAYS, he's the guy I can be my weird self with, he's the guy that loves me for who I truly am, he's the guy who makes me cry happy tears, he's the guy who can truly break my heart with a word.

He's an amazing person. I love him with all of my heart. All of it. My thoughts are all about him.. day and night. 

I can't imagine my life without him. 

Without his presence, without his cuddles, his smile, his hugs... 

him.