April 20, 2014. 12:66 AM

It seems as if there isn't a day that goes by and I don't think of Freddie. Every time I see a beautiful flower, and every time I go to the beach, or every time I see something beautiful, I think of him. 
I've grown quite used to it. 
But I haven't gotten used to the pain of knowing that I'll never be able to meet him, hug him, or thank him face to face. 
I carry that little splinter of pain in my heart every single day. I see people meeting their idols every day, and I just sigh and go: "Why can't I meet him?"
.. It sucks to know that I will never get to meet him, but to me, he lives in my mind, through his music, his words, everything. He lives in my heart. Forever.

April 18, 2:20 AM

I hate feeling like this. 
Why did he have to leave when I most needed him for fucks sake?
WHY?
I still can't sleep at night thinking and thinking and trying to recall what I did wrong. WHAT WAS IT? WHAT???
I have no idea, I still can't solve the puzzle. 
My stomach hurts every time I think about the things he said to me. I feel like I get stabbed, it's a stinging pain. Sharp, hard, painful. Then my heart feels like it's missing a piece, something feels hollow. Hollow as a rotting tree.. Maybe my heart is slowly rotting with bitterness. 
I still listen to all of the songs he once told me to listen. I still think about the funny convos we had.. But.. I miss those moments, and I think that's what's affecting me the most. 
I HELPED HIM when he was in trouble, I fought against him with haters. And how does he repay me? HAH!
...
Fuck I feel terrible right now. 
I feel horrible. 
There's a horrible pain in my chest. 
I can't sleep. 
I can't eat. 
I've lost weight. 
I am broken. 
He broke me. 

Enough

ENOUGH!!
I am sick of feeling like this so I might as well just let everything out on here. 

So my mom just told me what happened to my sister about a year ago. 
I feel like killing whoever did that to her. I feel like killing him now. 
I feel like shit, knowing what happened and how much it affected her. I am still scarred by this. 
I also did something I am not proud of with a boy from my school. 
I have a lot of bad thoughts. 
I feel like I'm getting replaced. 
I hate high schools. 
I hate OLP. 
I hate my student life. 
I hate my brain. 
I feel like I'm NO ONE'S first choice. 
I miss him. 
I need him. 

And if this wasn't enough, I am not even sure who my real friends are, I don't know if they really love me as much as I love them. I don't even know if I deserve them sometimes. 
I DO NOT WANT TO GO BACK TO MY OLD SELF!

And to those who hate me, or to those who are disappointed like my mom and dad and some of my friends. 

You know? I've always wanted to be the pretty girl, the amazing, funny, flirty, skinny and smart girl. I've always wanted to be amazing at what I do..

I've always wanted to be something I am not. 

I am sorry I can't be what you want me to be. I am sorry I can't be beautiful or smart or just.. "Good"

But my brain does not allow this to happen. 

I don't know what's wrong. 

I feel like I'm sinking

Fast

Little

by

Little

Scar by scar. 

I don't even know anymore.

I've changed a lot during this last year. I've been developing more emotional struggles.. I've been doing things that I had never done before. 

I've smoked. I've gotten drunk (many times)And I am not even sure why or what I'm doing here still. 

I disappoint EVERYONE around me.
My friends have told me SEVERAL times that they're disappointed. My mom and my dad are disappointed because of my academic level. My sister is disappointed because I am following her same path of life. 

I don't even know why or how I manage to carry on. I hate carrying this whole thing on my shoulders, and nobody seems to understand how much it hurts to know that someone is disappointed at you. I hate it so much. 

Like tonight. I was joking around with my group of friends, just talking about smoking, while I smoked of course. And my best friend just said

"Camila I am disappointed with you"

Fucking hell. I got so so very mad..
But oh well.. That adds her up to the list of people who thinks I'm a disappointment.

I AM FUCKING SORRY I CAN'T BE LIKE YOU WANT ME TO BE. I AM SORRY I CAN'T BE HEALTHY. I AM SORRY I CAN'T BE NORMAL OR SMART. I AM SORRY I MAKE MISTAKES. I HATE MYSELF. BUT AT LEAST I TRY TO MAKE THE IMPRESSION THAT I REALLY DON'T HATE MYSELF. 

And yet.. I don't know why I'm here. 

Boring Night .4/4/14.

"And no one calls us to move on

And no one forces down our eyes

No one speaks

And no one tries

No one flies around the sun"

Bored bored bored.. I've been thinking a lot lately..  

things have not been the best but I have my friends and that's all I need right now.. 

Friends and music.. but music is my friend so woo! :)
I don't even know what I'm doing with my life right now haha... 

I don't even know if I got accepted into my 2nd choice for a High School. 

I DO NOT KNOW.. 

I want coffee.

Coffee sounds good right now. 

Coffee, music, sleep and Queen are my 4 main addictions.. HUGE ones. 

Meh meh meh.. 

I need sleep but I don't want to sleep.. 

I overthink A LOT at night, and I just hate it.

I've been thinking a lot about him lately.. Eh. 

Right now I'm just listening to Queen... chilling on my bed... craving coffee... 

Thinking a lot. A LOT.
I am thinking about Freddie too... I am so glad to have him in my life.. I am so glad he just pulled me out of that horrible hole called depression. FREEDOM thanks to Farrokh Bulsara :)
 

Queen is amazing. 

I can't stop thinking about what happened on Monday. I cannot believe it. I can't believe I did it. I am regretting it so so much right now. I hate myself for it. I feel dirty and stupid. I am scared someone will find out. I am scared he'll tell someone.. Fuckfuckufckfucjvm..
I hate feeling like this..

I checked with him today and he said he hasn't said anything to anyone..

I hope it stays like this forever. 

UGH~~

OUCH MY BOOBS HURT!!!
:( this hurts .. whyyyyyyy

I want coffee.. I am making myself a HUGE cup of coffee and I'm going to drink it and just be happy and watch POTC and think about Disneyland in 10 days :)
YES.
This sounds like a good plan right?
yeah.
Okay.
Caramel,over and out! :) XX 

Let it out, let it in.

"I'm probably supposed to tell you something wise. Something about taking more chances, having less fear, doing crazier things or traveling more. Maybe even skipping the date with that guy so he wouldn't do much damage.

But I am not going to dole out any of that advice. No words of infinite wisdom or seasoned, aged, judgment. 

Why?

Because all of those things - those experiences, both personal and professional, will shape who you are and what you become.

Those experiences, for better and worse, become the bedrock for your character. Sure, buried in there are some very human fears and insecurities, hell we all have those!

But you will become the sum of your strengths too.

The things you learned that make you smarter, wiser, more kind, more convicted. But more curious. More ready for life. the unexpected. More courageous in the face of crisis.

More willing to live life in your own terms"

- D.H.

Now, the person who wrote this was my friend. We met last Summer on Twitter. He was extremely nice and awesome towards me, we used to stay up really late just talking about Queen, sometimes we used to role-play; he was Freddie and I acted like myself.. During hard times, he used to be there, giving me advice and "words of wisdom"
This was the most heart-warming message I got from him:

I don't know why things changed so so much all of a sudden.

I don't know what was happening on his side, I don't know if he was struggling, but HELL, he could've told me..

Amazing how people change so much... and I find it amazing how he meant so so so much to me even if I only knew him through a screen. He really made my days brighter (when he was in a good mood) and he made me smile like nobody else could or will ever make me smile. 

I fell for him once, of course. But then I learned that maybe he wasn't a good person to have in a romantic relationship way. So I stayed there.

Our conversations were usually always hanging on a thin thread. He was like a piece of TNT. I could say some things that he didn't like and all hell would always break loose. And well I don't know if I meant as much to him as he meant to me... I sure wish he did care for me, but oh well..
He really gave me the best advice. When he was in a good mood, I loved to talk to him as much as I could! About anything! Music, bands, books, life.. anything...
But well.. I just wish he knew how much I needed him sometimes, and how many times he made me sad, but I still stood there next to him, TRYING so so so hard. But I think that every time I try hard on something, it turns out to be a failure.
He was 17, I am 14. I think that's another fact that affected this whole thing.. Maybe he didn't take me seriously since I am the age I am.. He talked to older girls, prettier girls, more "exotic" and amazing. I guess I just wasn't enough for him.. I wish I was. I fucking wish I was. I am sorry I wasn't good enough, old enough or pretty enough. I am fucking sorry.

*sigh* O.K. 

To him:

I don't blame you for leaving my darling, I can be stressing at times, and I can be mean sometimes too.. I am sorry.  But you need to understand that sometimes it's good to talk things through than just leave someone broken. I am glad we had such an amazing time! You were really a whole new type of person. I've NEVER met someone like you, and I think that you're just amazing, even with that temper.. You're amazing. I hope we get to talk again someday... 
I am listening to "Us and Them" right now haha.. coincidence?
I don't know.. 
I guess things are meant to be this way. 
Maybe we aren't meant to get along... Life can be like this! 
Well... 
THANK YOU SO MUCH for everything. The smiles, the tears and those moments where you made me feel special and just.. better about myself. 
I don't know who I'm going to come to when I have my moments... I have no fucking idea..
I'll probably write them here..
Anyways.
Good-bye my love. I enjoyed the role-plays ;)
hahaha I love you.