I don't even know anymore.

I've changed a lot during this last year. I've been developing more emotional struggles.. I've been doing things that I had never done before. 

I've smoked. I've gotten drunk (many times)And I am not even sure why or what I'm doing here still. 

I disappoint EVERYONE around me.
My friends have told me SEVERAL times that they're disappointed. My mom and my dad are disappointed because of my academic level. My sister is disappointed because I am following her same path of life. 

I don't even know why or how I manage to carry on. I hate carrying this whole thing on my shoulders, and nobody seems to understand how much it hurts to know that someone is disappointed at you. I hate it so much. 

Like tonight. I was joking around with my group of friends, just talking about smoking, while I smoked of course. And my best friend just said

"Camila I am disappointed with you"

Fucking hell. I got so so very mad..
But oh well.. That adds her up to the list of people who thinks I'm a disappointment.

I AM FUCKING SORRY I CAN'T BE LIKE YOU WANT ME TO BE. I AM SORRY I CAN'T BE HEALTHY. I AM SORRY I CAN'T BE NORMAL OR SMART. I AM SORRY I MAKE MISTAKES. I HATE MYSELF. BUT AT LEAST I TRY TO MAKE THE IMPRESSION THAT I REALLY DON'T HATE MYSELF. 

And yet.. I don't know why I'm here.