Well it's officially complicated.

I am reaching a level of done-ness.. with Javier and everything.. I don't even know what's happening or what's gonna happen. All I know is that things are not pretty and cool as I thought they would be. 
About 4 weeks ago, he used to be super super nice, he used to start every single conversation I had with him... he used to randomly say "I love you" and stuff like that, he used to even tell me how much I meant to him from time to time. 
But now, everything is like, GONE. He doesn't do that anymore, he kind of doesn't give a fuck about me... he doesn't talk to me unless I talk to him first.. he always leaves without saying good-bye, if I say something "deep" he'll just laugh or he won't reply, making me feel stupid. If I ask him if he wants to go out, he's always with friends, or he doesn't reply until the next day... I don't even fucking know what's happening. I am so sad and frustrated all the time because he's just... "Meh"
And all I want to do is literally just.. talk to him.. see him. I want him to ask what's wrong.. or just remind me that he actually cares about me. I guess I was just like a "phase" ... THIS is why I suddenly stop talking to him for months... He makes me feel stupid.
I miss him,
I miss his smile, his voice, his eagerness when he talked to me, his hugs, I miss having him there for me, I miss staying up all night talking to him, I even miss him waking me up super early in the morning just to talk. Hell, I even miss arguing with him about who loved who more.. I miss all the cheesy moments, the stupid jokes... Ugh... but hey, I knew better not to bring my hopes up. EVEN if he's done with Karla.. Nothing actually changed after they broke up, actually everything is shittier, and he promised we would talk more.. .
apparently he broke a promise..
... I wish he wanted to work things out..
I really want to wait for him... but he doesn't...
I used to wonder if things were going to change for us someday... I am so stupid, I need to stop thinking about silly things and face the truth..
Like every guy, he's kind of stupid sometimes. He's a dick when he's with friends, he doesn't want to get into a relationship with me, he thinks I will always be there even if he finds someone else... he thinks I love him as a friend...
I am actually In-Love with him.. I wish he could understand the fact that I would actually love to be with him...
I fucking love him.
I wish he could understand. 

Wtf is happening?

I talked to him the other day about what in fucks sake is he doing. He says he's not happy with her, he says he's fed up with her, he whines about her, etc. And I finally asked...
WHAT IN FUCKS SAKE ARE YOU DOING THERE THEN? 
I told him that if he really wanted to end the stress and the pain and everything else, he would put an end to that relationship. He claims he's scared of being alone at school, yet he's changing schools this fall to a much bigger one, where he can meet new people. 
See? it's not really that I care if he choses to be with me, or if he meets someone new... but the thing is, he's upset, he's hurt, he's tired and he really is scared of putting an end the toxic relationship he's carrying with her. UGH. 
What I am also trying to say... is that... if he doesn't chose me in the end (what will probably happen) I will finally put an end to both the weird relationship we had, and the long-lasting friendship we're in... 
I just can't wait for this long anymore... I've had enough pain, I just really want him to break up with her... She's not good to him and she really wouldn't mind. 
The whole thing is really fucked up. I mean.. how long will I have to wait for him to actually do something about it?!? 
......
Bleh.

Is it All Worth it? 7-8-14.

I don't know what's going on now. Everything is changing really fast, everything is just rushing by. I don't know what's happening and I clearly do not know what will happen. Maybe someday I'll be with him...Maybe I'll be miserable for the rest of my life without him. Is there any way I can be happy with him someday?

Fuck... my life isn't O.K without him. My thoughts are completely FLOODED with him...

I miss him. I miss his hugs so fucking much... I want one of his tight hugs and just sink into his arms... I fucking love his hugs. 

I wonder if his girlfriend feels like I feel. I think that everyday would be wonderful if I was with him... waking up and knowing I have him... talking to him without being scared on what to say... not being scared of kissing him or hugging him... going out with him without getting any hate from stupid minions... 

My life needs him... I fucking need him, I don't want him, I REALLY fucking need him...Which really fucking sucks.

And as usual... 6-1-14.

Well,as usual.. such is my luck, that things NEVER work out for me. 

I haven't talked to him in about 3 weeks, and the worst part is that he sees every single one of my messages and he still won't answer. Not after I actually find myself begging for him to talk to me and tell me what I did wrong... he won't tell me and he won't talk to me. I cry myself to sleep every single night, just thinking about what I could've possibly done wrong. I find nothing. I don't know what's happening, I've tried everything... I feel miserable without him. I need him. I fucking need him. But oh well, I guess things are OK with his girlfriend now? He doesn't need my moral support? he needs nothing from me so now he fucking leaves me to die in a dark alley. What is wrong with him??? I don't get it!!!! I feel like screaming into his fucking perfect face and tell him everything I am feeling and holding in at the moment!! This may sound selfish, but I hate seeing him so happy with her, while I'm here sinking into my own fucking tears, not sleeping, not eating, not being able to focus while I think about that day he came to visit. Why does this always happen to me?? WHY MUST I ALWAYS BE THE ONE WHO ENDS UP HEARTBROKEN? WHY DO I NEED TO STICK TO PEOPLE WHO WON'T SUPPORT ME?? I feel like the hole he temporarily filled in my heart is now back to being hollow and cold... I feel like the hole got bigger and deeper... darker and colder.. I feel like everything is going downhill with him, very fast. 

I wonder if he cares. 

Weird feeling? 5.13.14 10:12 p.m

Well everything is going... just.. "fine" Right now..
Not the BEST day ever.. actually it was a VERY long one. 
Anyways.. I am failing Math. Completely and utterly failing Mathematics... I feel like such a failure... STRAIGHT "B's" and just one 'F' ... Fuck my student life. 
While that's going on, on the academic side, the emotional side is completely taking over me. 

I feel so fucking stupid right now..
Like... I don't know what I'm feeling for him anymore. Is it love? Is it hate? ... I think I hate him because I really cannot get over him or the idea of us dating someday... How is this even fair?!?
HE'S WITH A MEAN BITCH (mean towards me) THAT DIDN'T EVEN LIKE HIM BEFORE THEY STARTED DATING!! SHE DID NOT LIKE HIM! SHE TOLD ME ONE DAY! AND BAM!!!!!! JAVIER ASKED HER OUT AND SHE FUCKING SAID YES, EVEN WHEN SHE KNEW ABOUT JAVIER HAVING A HUGE CRUSH ON ME. SHE IS SO MEAN TO HIM AND TO ME SOMETIMES... I WONDER WHY HE'S WITH HER?!?! :( IT MAKES ME SO MAD JUST TO THINK ABOUT HER AND HER HYPOCRISY UGH!!!!
I guess she was prettier than me..  
Ugh... this is hell. I love him 

SO     FUCKING   MUCH  

What honestly suuucks about this whole thing, is that, I know him more than anyone... I know him, I know his family, I've seen him cry, I'VE BEEN THERE WHILE HE'S CRYING... CRYING OVER HIS GIRLFRIEND.. TRYING TO FUCKING COMFORT HIM. :( Just put yourself in my shoes for a moment... Friendzoned.
It's so stressing. 
This is proof that things like this, don't only happen in Taylor Swift songs, or movies OR books. This shit is, sadly, real. And it hurts so much... and it's...

SO FUCKING STRESSING... IT MAKES ME CRY EVERY TIME AND I AM  JUST TIRED OF LIVING THIS WHOLE SITUATION WHEN I JUST WANT TO FUCKING KISS HIM ALREADY! AND MELT IN HIS FUCKING ARMS LIKE I DID A COUPLE OF DAYS AGO. I WANT TO GET LOST IN HIS EYES AND JUST.... 
UUUUUUUUGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A letter to him 5.12.14. 10:24 pm

Javier,


I've been thinking a lot about you darling. I've been lost in an infinite thought of the moment we met again. The hug you gave me... The longest and most heart-warming hug someone had ever given me. 
I still think about when you visited my house. The random hugs we gave each-other... we really needed each-other... Those hugs meant the world to me... I wanted to melt in your arms and stay there forever. The way you kissed my cheek reminded me of when were little kids... Still innocent. 
It's hard to forget someone as vital as you are in my life. 
It's AMAZING how I've been in love with you for such a long time, even after the horrible heartbreaks and tears... I've always loved you. 
Always. 
I still can't figure out why????
Are we ever going to be together someday? 
Will you ever give me the love I crave from you? ... I think about all of these questions every single night. 
Love is so hard.. Love for you is intense.. It's like falling HARD and FAST ... 
To me, you're perfect. 
You've got the perfect smile that fills my heart with joy in less than a second... 
Your hugs... make me weak 
Your words... a melody
The way you make me feel is the most special feeling ever... i feel weightless... I feel like my heart is filled with cotton... I feel like my stomach has been filled to the top with butterflies.

"Buscaré alguna forma de encontrarte,
Dormiré y te soñaré"

Te amo Javier, 
Te amo demasiado.

∞

Javier 5.11.14

My life has been twisting and turning during these past weeks. Good changes are coming my way, and I swear, I couldn't be happier. 

Maybe life is supposed to be like this.. Maybe life is supposed to be filled with sudden twists and turns when we less expect them. 

During these weeks, my life has improved and worn down a bit... But honestly, I couldn't be happier for the changes that are happening. 

I found true happiness with people who really love me... a warm and cuddly group of friends that truly understand me and love me (i hope they do) but they just make me so happy... They've managed to fill my heart with joy :) 

I lost a best friend, but it was mutual, and I was actually expecting and waiting for the moment. The relationship was growing toxic every day, I just had to stop it and turn it cold. And it worked. 

Now...

As for my love life... 

I've found my true love. I've found the guy who makes me as happy as I've ever been. Javier. 

I've known Javier ever since I was 6 years-old. We've been best friends ever since... of course, with MANY MANY fights and arguments and splits on that little bumpy road... 

I love him more than words can describe. I've loved him ever since I was 6... I've been in love with him since I was 6 

About 3 weeks ago, I bumped into him at a restaurant, he hugged me so so very tight... We hadn't spoken in months, due to a fight I had with him over his girlfriend. He hugged me so tight... I just melted in his arms... I think my eyes got teary.... He kissed my cheek twice and after he did he hugged me again... He seemed so happy to see me.

When I got home that day... I had a message from him... begging me to talk to him... I did, but I told him that I didn't want to talk to him due to his girlfriend... that's where I burst and I told him that I ABSOLUTELY, TRULY love him with all of my heart.. That I thought I was going to end up with him... but because of our parents and their friendship, they really don't want us dating. He said he loves me... but sadly, he can't really get out of the relationship he's in. 

Then he came to visit.... holy mother of God... he came to my house and we sat outside... next to each-other... We hugged about 10 times... for a long time... he cuddled on my shoulder, ... he kept kissing my cheek... *sigh* his hugs are the best hugs. I wanted to like.. KISS HIM, so badly!! But I had to control myself. He has a girlfriend after all.

We've been "in love" with each-other for about 8 years... 8 years, in love with the same fucking person.. and yet.. We haven't dated. 

He was my first kiss... when I was 8 years old. 

He was my first crush

my first best guy friend

my first boyfriend. 

But with this, I've realized... sometimes you need to give up the things you like to get the things you love, and you have to do it quick and on time... because time waits for nobody, and time is a bitch. Time can only tell what will happen between me and him... I don't know if he's going to break up with his girlfriend... I don't know what will happen. All I know is that I would be the happiest person if i was with him, and we would be happy with each-other.. 

He's the kind of guy that has a perfect smile (perfect to me) he always smells good, he gives the very best hugs; the kind of hugs that just make you melt into that person's arms, the hugs you just sink with happiness and joy; He's been here for me ALWAYS, he's the guy I can be my weird self with, he's the guy that loves me for who I truly am, he's the guy who makes me cry happy tears, he's the guy who can truly break my heart with a word.

He's an amazing person. I love him with all of my heart. All of it. My thoughts are all about him.. day and night. 

I can't imagine my life without him. 

Without his presence, without his cuddles, his smile, his hugs... 

him. 

April 20, 2014. 12:66 AM

It seems as if there isn't a day that goes by and I don't think of Freddie. Every time I see a beautiful flower, and every time I go to the beach, or every time I see something beautiful, I think of him. 
I've grown quite used to it. 
But I haven't gotten used to the pain of knowing that I'll never be able to meet him, hug him, or thank him face to face. 
I carry that little splinter of pain in my heart every single day. I see people meeting their idols every day, and I just sigh and go: "Why can't I meet him?"
.. It sucks to know that I will never get to meet him, but to me, he lives in my mind, through his music, his words, everything. He lives in my heart. Forever.

April 18, 2:20 AM

I hate feeling like this. 
Why did he have to leave when I most needed him for fucks sake?
WHY?
I still can't sleep at night thinking and thinking and trying to recall what I did wrong. WHAT WAS IT? WHAT???
I have no idea, I still can't solve the puzzle. 
My stomach hurts every time I think about the things he said to me. I feel like I get stabbed, it's a stinging pain. Sharp, hard, painful. Then my heart feels like it's missing a piece, something feels hollow. Hollow as a rotting tree.. Maybe my heart is slowly rotting with bitterness. 
I still listen to all of the songs he once told me to listen. I still think about the funny convos we had.. But.. I miss those moments, and I think that's what's affecting me the most. 
I HELPED HIM when he was in trouble, I fought against him with haters. And how does he repay me? HAH!
...
Fuck I feel terrible right now. 
I feel horrible. 
There's a horrible pain in my chest. 
I can't sleep. 
I can't eat. 
I've lost weight. 
I am broken. 
He broke me. 

Enough

ENOUGH!!
I am sick of feeling like this so I might as well just let everything out on here. 

So my mom just told me what happened to my sister about a year ago. 
I feel like killing whoever did that to her. I feel like killing him now. 
I feel like shit, knowing what happened and how much it affected her. I am still scarred by this. 
I also did something I am not proud of with a boy from my school. 
I have a lot of bad thoughts. 
I feel like I'm getting replaced. 
I hate high schools. 
I hate OLP. 
I hate my student life. 
I hate my brain. 
I feel like I'm NO ONE'S first choice. 
I miss him. 
I need him. 

And if this wasn't enough, I am not even sure who my real friends are, I don't know if they really love me as much as I love them. I don't even know if I deserve them sometimes. 
I DO NOT WANT TO GO BACK TO MY OLD SELF!

And to those who hate me, or to those who are disappointed like my mom and dad and some of my friends. 

You know? I've always wanted to be the pretty girl, the amazing, funny, flirty, skinny and smart girl. I've always wanted to be amazing at what I do..

I've always wanted to be something I am not. 

I am sorry I can't be what you want me to be. I am sorry I can't be beautiful or smart or just.. "Good"

But my brain does not allow this to happen. 

I don't know what's wrong. 

I feel like I'm sinking

Fast

Little

by

Little

Scar by scar. 

I don't even know anymore.

I've changed a lot during this last year. I've been developing more emotional struggles.. I've been doing things that I had never done before. 

I've smoked. I've gotten drunk (many times)And I am not even sure why or what I'm doing here still. 

I disappoint EVERYONE around me.
My friends have told me SEVERAL times that they're disappointed. My mom and my dad are disappointed because of my academic level. My sister is disappointed because I am following her same path of life. 

I don't even know why or how I manage to carry on. I hate carrying this whole thing on my shoulders, and nobody seems to understand how much it hurts to know that someone is disappointed at you. I hate it so much. 

Like tonight. I was joking around with my group of friends, just talking about smoking, while I smoked of course. And my best friend just said

"Camila I am disappointed with you"

Fucking hell. I got so so very mad..
But oh well.. That adds her up to the list of people who thinks I'm a disappointment.

I AM FUCKING SORRY I CAN'T BE LIKE YOU WANT ME TO BE. I AM SORRY I CAN'T BE HEALTHY. I AM SORRY I CAN'T BE NORMAL OR SMART. I AM SORRY I MAKE MISTAKES. I HATE MYSELF. BUT AT LEAST I TRY TO MAKE THE IMPRESSION THAT I REALLY DON'T HATE MYSELF. 

And yet.. I don't know why I'm here. 

Boring Night .4/4/14.

"And no one calls us to move on

And no one forces down our eyes

No one speaks

And no one tries

No one flies around the sun"

Bored bored bored.. I've been thinking a lot lately..  

things have not been the best but I have my friends and that's all I need right now.. 

Friends and music.. but music is my friend so woo! :)
I don't even know what I'm doing with my life right now haha... 

I don't even know if I got accepted into my 2nd choice for a High School. 

I DO NOT KNOW.. 

I want coffee.

Coffee sounds good right now. 

Coffee, music, sleep and Queen are my 4 main addictions.. HUGE ones. 

Meh meh meh.. 

I need sleep but I don't want to sleep.. 

I overthink A LOT at night, and I just hate it.

I've been thinking a lot about him lately.. Eh. 

Right now I'm just listening to Queen... chilling on my bed... craving coffee... 

Thinking a lot. A LOT.
I am thinking about Freddie too... I am so glad to have him in my life.. I am so glad he just pulled me out of that horrible hole called depression. FREEDOM thanks to Farrokh Bulsara :)
 

Queen is amazing. 

I can't stop thinking about what happened on Monday. I cannot believe it. I can't believe I did it. I am regretting it so so much right now. I hate myself for it. I feel dirty and stupid. I am scared someone will find out. I am scared he'll tell someone.. Fuckfuckufckfucjvm..
I hate feeling like this..

I checked with him today and he said he hasn't said anything to anyone..

I hope it stays like this forever. 

UGH~~

OUCH MY BOOBS HURT!!!
:( this hurts .. whyyyyyyy

I want coffee.. I am making myself a HUGE cup of coffee and I'm going to drink it and just be happy and watch POTC and think about Disneyland in 10 days :)
YES.
This sounds like a good plan right?
yeah.
Okay.
Caramel,over and out! :) XX 

Let it out, let it in.

"I'm probably supposed to tell you something wise. Something about taking more chances, having less fear, doing crazier things or traveling more. Maybe even skipping the date with that guy so he wouldn't do much damage.

But I am not going to dole out any of that advice. No words of infinite wisdom or seasoned, aged, judgment. 

Why?

Because all of those things - those experiences, both personal and professional, will shape who you are and what you become.

Those experiences, for better and worse, become the bedrock for your character. Sure, buried in there are some very human fears and insecurities, hell we all have those!

But you will become the sum of your strengths too.

The things you learned that make you smarter, wiser, more kind, more convicted. But more curious. More ready for life. the unexpected. More courageous in the face of crisis.

More willing to live life in your own terms"

- D.H.

Now, the person who wrote this was my friend. We met last Summer on Twitter. He was extremely nice and awesome towards me, we used to stay up really late just talking about Queen, sometimes we used to role-play; he was Freddie and I acted like myself.. During hard times, he used to be there, giving me advice and "words of wisdom"
This was the most heart-warming message I got from him:

I don't know why things changed so so much all of a sudden.

I don't know what was happening on his side, I don't know if he was struggling, but HELL, he could've told me..

Amazing how people change so much... and I find it amazing how he meant so so so much to me even if I only knew him through a screen. He really made my days brighter (when he was in a good mood) and he made me smile like nobody else could or will ever make me smile. 

I fell for him once, of course. But then I learned that maybe he wasn't a good person to have in a romantic relationship way. So I stayed there.

Our conversations were usually always hanging on a thin thread. He was like a piece of TNT. I could say some things that he didn't like and all hell would always break loose. And well I don't know if I meant as much to him as he meant to me... I sure wish he did care for me, but oh well..
He really gave me the best advice. When he was in a good mood, I loved to talk to him as much as I could! About anything! Music, bands, books, life.. anything...
But well.. I just wish he knew how much I needed him sometimes, and how many times he made me sad, but I still stood there next to him, TRYING so so so hard. But I think that every time I try hard on something, it turns out to be a failure.
He was 17, I am 14. I think that's another fact that affected this whole thing.. Maybe he didn't take me seriously since I am the age I am.. He talked to older girls, prettier girls, more "exotic" and amazing. I guess I just wasn't enough for him.. I wish I was. I fucking wish I was. I am sorry I wasn't good enough, old enough or pretty enough. I am fucking sorry.

*sigh* O.K. 

To him:

I don't blame you for leaving my darling, I can be stressing at times, and I can be mean sometimes too.. I am sorry.  But you need to understand that sometimes it's good to talk things through than just leave someone broken. I am glad we had such an amazing time! You were really a whole new type of person. I've NEVER met someone like you, and I think that you're just amazing, even with that temper.. You're amazing. I hope we get to talk again someday... 
I am listening to "Us and Them" right now haha.. coincidence?
I don't know.. 
I guess things are meant to be this way. 
Maybe we aren't meant to get along... Life can be like this! 
Well... 
THANK YOU SO MUCH for everything. The smiles, the tears and those moments where you made me feel special and just.. better about myself. 
I don't know who I'm going to come to when I have my moments... I have no fucking idea..
I'll probably write them here..
Anyways.
Good-bye my love. I enjoyed the role-plays ;)
hahaha I love you.